1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a “rush job”, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Dear Sir,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving the job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down. I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you. I am sorry but I had no choice. TaTa – Bye Bye…

The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and “big heart”. A great gesture…

Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me. Last but not the least, I also have the Rs. 12000 entrusted to me by our company’s cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command. Bless me always… Read the rest of this entry »

You think English is easy???

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Read the rest of this entry »

1. If Mars had earthquake would they be called marsquakes.

2. When lightning strikes the ocean why don’t all the fish die?

3. If there’s a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?

4. Can you cry under water?

5. Does postman deliver his own mail?

6. Why there is a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Can crop circles be square?

8. Are eyebrow considered facial hair?

9. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

10. How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavoring?

1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
25. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

Just Check This Out !!!!

Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.

man
1. ————
board

Ans. = man overboard

stand
2. ————
i

Ans. = I understand

OK?…. Got the drift?

Let’s try a few now and see how you fair?

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/ g/

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..

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Ans. = reading between the lines

4. r
road
a
d

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Ans. = cross road Read the rest of this entry »

Signs You’re “All Grown-Up Now

– You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

– 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

– You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

– You watch the Weather Channel.

– Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

– You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

– Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

– You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

– You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

– Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

– Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

– You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

– Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.

– A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

– You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

– 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

– You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

– You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you, but, can’t find one to save your life.

10. Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women!

to help you each day…………

Toothpick … to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.

Rubber band … to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

Band-Aid … to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else’s.

Eraser … to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That’s okay, we learn by our errors.

Candy Kiss … to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.

Mint … to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.

Bubble Gum … to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

Pencil … to remind you to list your blessings every day.

Tea Bag … to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God’s blessings.

This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day

Wishing you love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, and warm feelings in your heart.

Yeah i saw the nerdy one so i thought i’d make one for cool people

1. Did you fart? Because you blew me away
2. You must be in a wrong place – the Miss Universe contest is over there.
3. Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
4. I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true
5. Are you a magnet cuz im attracted to you
6. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
7. I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
8. I know its not Christmas, but Santa’s lap is always ready.
9. Baby your like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems
10. “Why does it feel like the most beautiful girl in the world is in this room?”
11. Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.
12. Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
13. I was blinded by your beauty so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
14. I’m sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.
15. I know I dont have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.
16. Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
17. Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next girlfriend.
18. Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
19. Are you lost? Because heaven’s a long way from here.
20. POOF! (What are u doing?) I’m here, where are your other two wishes?
21. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
22. Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
23. If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!
24. Do you have the time? (she gives you the time) No, the time to write my number down .
25. Let’s make like a fabric softener and snuggle.
26. Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful.
27. Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
28. Is that top felt? [No] Would you like it to be?
29. Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
30. Is your last name Gillete cause your the best a man can get. Read the rest of this entry »