Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2
The average man’s life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.

Thought 3
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

‘Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life …’ Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, ‘My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.’

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !
And now the Best one. . . . .

Thought 4
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, ‘If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.’

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, ‘Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.’

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. ‘Who are you?’

‘I am your guardian angel,’ the voice answered.

‘Oh, yeah?’ the man said ‘And where the Hell were you when I got married?’

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next tome is under a window, and his is working fine.”

Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?” I work for a local ISP.
Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”

Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh… uh…yeah. ”

Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and
I don’t believe in icons.”

Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to –”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ OK?”
Customer: [click]

Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt- Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

One: Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

Two: What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards

Three: Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods’ shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

Four: What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He’d gone clubbing

Five: Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron

Six: Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
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A lawyer, a doctor and a physician are discussing on this topic: “Is it better to have a wife or a mistress ?”

The doctor:” A wife is better than a mistress.When married, you feel comfortable, and you suffer no stress.”

The lawyer: “A mistress is better anyway.If you’re married, in case of divorce, you’ll have to face to several legal problems.”

The Mathematician: “The best solution is to have both.So when your mistress thinks you’re at home with ur wife, while your wife thinks you’re at home with ur mistress, you ‘re free to do maths.
   

What is “pi”?
- Mathematician : “Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.”
- Engineer : “Pi is about 22/7.”
- Physicist : “Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005″
- Computer Programmer : “Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.”
- Nutritionist : “You’re one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!”
  : D 

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
- The physicist : “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
- The biologists : “They have reproduced”.
- The mathematician : “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again.”

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows
very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the
waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and
ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third x cubed.”
She repeats “one thir — dex cue”?
He repeats “one third x cubed”.
She asks, “one thir dex cuebd?”
“Yes, that’s right,” he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “one thir dex cuebd…”.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know
something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first
laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks “what is the integral of x
squared?”.

The waitress says “one third x cubed” and while walking away, turns back and says over her
shoulder “plus a constant!”
   

-In theory, there’s no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, yes there is… Shocked

-Theory is when you know all the process, but nothing works.
-Practice is when everything runs properly, but don’t know why.
-In Computer’s science, when we mix theory and practice, nothing works and we don’t know why..
   

A quantum mechanic student is someone who’s half-blind, and is looking after a cat which probably doesn’t exists in black room
   

Three statisticians engineers are training themselves at gun shotting on a target.The first guy missed the target, the the bullet went very closed by, and hit the target by its left.The second guy missed also the target but the bullet were a little at the right of the target.
The third one shouted then:
-No worth to shot then! We meanly got it!
   
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John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for6 am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRILANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and
tennis shoes
(MADE INKOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia)
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(made in MALAYSIA),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL),
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can’t
find a good paying job
in AMERICA
AND NOW HE’S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA

*THEY WALK AMONG US . . . . *

*Idiotic ‘Millionaire’ Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever*

*Kathy Evans, the single dumbest contestant to ever get on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’*

NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing ‘the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.’
After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
‘Which of the following is the largest?’
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large? *

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
‘Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,’ said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. ‘I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.’ Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
‘Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!’ exclaimed Evans. ‘Darn. I think I better phone a friend.’

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

‘Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!’ said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. ‘Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds Hun.’
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

‘Come on Betsy, are you sure?’ said Evans. ‘How sure are you? Puh, that can’t be it.’
To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’
‘I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,’ said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
‘Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,’ said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. ‘But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.’

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.’

*This one is actually better!!!*
**Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it.*
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Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: What’s another name for the “Intel Inside” sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium’s floating point divider?
A: “Life is like a box of chocolates…” (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn’t Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of “IEEE”?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

GOOD ONE FOR ALL MARRIED ONES !!!!

U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id”

There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects…

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

Young Joe bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news… the horse died.”
Joe replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Joe said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Joe said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Joe said, “Yes, I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Joe said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Joe said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Joe now works for the government.

Ha ha ha!

“Hello”
“Hello”
“Is that you, Larry?”
“Yes, this is Larry.”
“Are you sure this is Larry.”
“Yes I’m sure, this is Larry !”
“This is Pete… can you lend me twenty dollars ?”
“I’ll tell Larry when he comes in.”
——–
Larry: How much is 500 +500 ?
Lennie: 1000
Larry: You’re welcome !
——–
Harry: I saw a man-eating shark at the aquarium.
Larry: That’s nothing. I saw a man eating shark in the restaurant.
——–
Larry: I went to the doctor because I was seeing spots in front of my eyes. He gave me glasses
Shiela: Did the glasses help?
Larry: They sure did. Now I can see the spots much better.
——–
Larry: I had to bring my typewriter in to be fixed.
Ricky: What was wrong with it?
Larry: The “O” was upside down.
——–
Larry: Could you please call me a cab?
Clerk: OK… “You’re a cab.”
——–
Larry: Have you told that kid of yours not to go around the neighborhood imitating me?
Larry’s Neighbor: Yes, I have. I told him not to act like an idiot.
——–
Salesman : “Believe me, this sewing machine will pay for itself in no time.”
Larry : “That’s great, When it does, send it to me.”
——–
Jane: Do you feel like a cup of coffee ?
Larry: No… do I look like one?
——–
Larry received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. Larry tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He tried everything he could think of, but the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Larry put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Worried that he may have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Larry’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
Larry was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, clearing his throat, “May I ask what the chicken did?” Read the rest of this entry »