1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
25. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

10. Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women!

Two frogs fell into a deep cream bowl,
One was an optimistic soul;
But the other took the gloomy view,
“I shall drown,” he cried, “and so will you.”

So with a last despairing cry,
He closed his eyes and said, “Good-bye.”
But the other frog, with a merry grin
Said, “I can’t get out, but I won’t give in!

I’ll swim around till my strength is spent.
For having tried, I’ll die content.”
Bravely he swam until it would seem
His struggles began to churn the cream.

On the top of the butter at last he stopped
And out of the bowl he happily hopped.
What is the moral? It’s easily found.
If you can’t get out — keep swimming around!

-Author Unknown -

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable. “10-4 Good Buddy!”

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line andyou’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give your address and exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

11. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”

12. Stutter on the letter “p.”

13. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) INSIST they have it.

14. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

15. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, “Okay, that’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”

16. Ask if you could just rent a pizza.

17. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave asigh of relief.

18. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long”i” sound.

19. Ask to have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”

20. When they say, “What would you like?” say, “Huh? You mean now?”
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Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there
won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Go to the bakery! Hell, they’ll even decorate it for you!

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it, you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Celery? What the heck’s that?

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don’t.
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip
that makes opening jars easy.Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????????? HELLOOOOO!!!!!!!

Lastly, if you don’t forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

Really…. It’s true! Have I ever lied to you?

CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I’m going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
…. without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
…. you cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I don’t like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
…. just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE’RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I’m not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We’re gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Monday:
It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.