Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

What you call dog with no legs? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered… where the hell’s my ceiling!

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

When God made me he was just showin off !

If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?

I want you here but now that you’re there .. Take care

R ur legs tired, bcoz u’ve been runnin through my mind all day long.

Do u have a bandaid ? Bcoz i just scraped my knee falling for u.

There must be somethin wrong with my eyes i cant take them off u.

Girl, u better have a license coz u r drivin me crazy.

If u need space, join NASA.

Your village just called, they are missing their idiot!

1. Don’t hug her friends or your friends that are girls cause she’ll feel left out

2. Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if it’s just for a second.

3. Hug her from behind

4. Leave her voice messages to wake up.

5. Wrestle with her

6. Don’t go hang out with your ex when shes not with you, you might not realize how badly it hurts her.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, when you’re done talking, walk over and hug her and kiss her…. let her know she’s yours and they aren’t.

8. Write her notes or call her just to say “hi”..and not just at night after you’ve already been out with other girls.

9. Introduce her to your friends . . . as your girlfriend.

10. Play with her hair.

11. Pick her up

12. Get upset if another guy touches her and she doesn’t like it.

13. Make her laugh, if you can make her laugh, you can make her do anything.

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms.

15. If she’s mad at you, kiss her.

16. If you care about her, then tell her

17. Every guy should give their girl 3 things: a stuffed animal(she’ll hug it every time she goes to sleep), jewelry (she’ll treasure it forever), and one of his t-shirts (she’ll most likely wear it to bed).

18. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you’re alone.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile.

20. Hang out with her on weekends
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How a BOY withdraws cash from an ATM.

1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM Machine

3. Insert card

4. Enter PIN

5. Take money out

6. Take ATM Card out

7. Drive away

 How a GIRL withdraws cash from an ATM

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Do you know the meaning of ABCDEFG
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.

Reverse the meaning of GFEDCBA
Girls Forgot Everything Done & Catches new Boy Again.