AVERAGE EMPLOYEE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Made no major blunders – yet.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks a lot.

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Spouse drinks, too.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the cops.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.

CAREFUL THINKER:
Won’t make a decision.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:
Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.

FORCEFUL:
Argumentative.

AGGRESSIVE:
Obnoxious.

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS:
Gets someone else to do it.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
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1.Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

2.People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.

3.Don’t play stupid with me…I’m better at it.

4.Just remember… if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

5.F.E.A.R.: F**k Everything And Run!

6.Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

7.”People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

8.SEX is not the answer. SEX is the question and YES is the answer!!

9.Heaven won’t take me and hell’s afraid I’ll take over.

10.I can only please one person per day. Today isn’t your day…and tomorrow don’t look good either.

11.’Tis far better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.

12.Kids in the backseat cause accidents Accidents in the backseat cause Kids

13.The next time you think you’re perfect, try walking on water

14.Did You Ever Wonder…..
*If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

*Is it ok to use the AM radio after noon?

*What do you call a male lady bug?

*When a dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it.

*Why you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

*Why there are floatation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

*Have you ever imagined the world without hypothectical situations?

15.People that don’t know me think I’m shy. People that do know me wish I were.

16.I can’t make you want me, All I can do is stalk you and hope you give in.

17.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

18.A kiss blown is a kiss wasted…the only real kind of kiss is a kiss tasted

19.Love is a sensation that starts by the temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girls destination to populate the next generation. Do you get the explanation or do you need a demonstration?

20.I don’t need your attitude, I have one of my own
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at the Age of…
22 years old…

1.Handsome
2.Charming
3.Financially successful
4.A caring listener
5.Witty
6.In good shape
7.Dresses with style
8.Appreciates finer things
9.Full of thoughtful surprises
10.An imaginative,romantic lover

32 years old…

1.Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2.Opens car doors, holds chairs
3.Has enough money for a nice dinner
4.Listens more then talks
5.laughs at my jokes
6.Carries bags of groceries with ease
7.Owns at least one tie
8.Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9.Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10.seeks romance at least once a week

42 years old…

1.Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2.Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3.Works steady – splurges on dinners out occasionally
4.Nods head when I’m talking
5.Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6.Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7.Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8.Knows not to buy champagne screw-top lids
9.Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10.Shaves most weekends
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10.) Print them out and use them for toilet paper.

9.) Translate it into your second language for extra practice.

8.) Forward it to someone you hate.

7.) Forward it to your friends.

6.) Collect a week’s spams and write your masters thesis.

5.) Print it out, circle the spammer’s address, write return to sender across it, and drop it in the streetcorner mailbox.

4.) Take 20 spams, change the fonts, print them out, and make individual ransom notes to send to each spammer.

3.) Call the 800# on the spam, and recite the entire email backwards once someone answers.

2.) If the contact number on the spam is not toll free, call collect and repeat #3.

1.) Slap the CEO of a bulk-emailing firm.

Hey guys i found this funny book about the facts of farting.here are some lines..

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as “morning thunder,” and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?
The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is not more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

Do turtles fart?
Yes, turtles do fart, and their farts smell incredibly bad, as do the farts of snakes. In fact, it is my opinion, based on personal experience with reptiles and not on any formal research, that many reptiles use farts as a weapon. Reptile farts smell so bad that sometimes you can tell that one is nearby in the woods, even on a windy day, before you can see the animal. One day I was hiking through the woods in Arkansas with a friend and I told my friend, “I smell a snake fart.” A second later, the snake crawled across the path. Astounding but true!

Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?
Judging from what I see when I do the laundry, I’d say that the answer to the first question is definitely yes. As for the causes, we must remember that what we call “fart” and what we call “poop” are just end-members of a continuum. That is, we can have a pure fart, or a pure poop, or anything in-between, depending upon the admixture of the two. If a sample consists mostly of poop with only a small fart component, you get such things as jet-propelled bowel movements and spongy, floating fecal masses

Most are as plain as it is on your face, others aren’t.

1) Blow it

2) Wipe it

3) Scratch it

4) Pick it

5) Be led around by it

6) Keep it to the grindstone

7) Look down it
Stick it in somebody else’s business

9) Keep it out of somebody else’s business

10) Break it

11) Pack it

12) Stick something in it

13) Wiggle it

14) Wrinkle it

15) Rub it

16) Rub it with somebody else’s

17) Get it a job

18) Follow it

19) Chase it

20) Squeeze it

21) Hold it

22) Brown it

23) Tweak it

24) Nip it

25) Pierce it

26) Press it against a window

27) Paint it

28) Powder it

29) Smash it

30) Smack it
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Please post more if you know any funny ones i didnt post Exclamation

1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 10-minute intervals

2. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares,…”and see what happens.

3. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.

4. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

5. Go into a *beep* room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly “There’s no toilet paper in here”.

6. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!”

7. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible’.

8. Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

9. Sit down and relax on the patio furniture until they kick you out

10. Set up a tent in the camping department

11. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

12. Take pictures of absolutely everything.

13. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?

14. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

15. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

16. Randomly put boxes of things suck as condoms and tampons into people’s carts.

17. See what you can “catch” by casting fishing poles into different isles.

18. Play football and see how many people you can get to join in.

19. Play soccer using the whole store as your field

20. Try on bras over your clothes in the middle of the store.

21. Try to get people to race you across the store.

22. Sit on the floor and watch T.V. in the electronics department.

23. Pretend to speak a different language and see how many weird looks you get

24. Superglue quarters to the floor and count how many people try to pick them up

25. Switch all the radios to strange stations suck as polka or Mexican rap and turn the volume all the way up.

26. Fill up carts and just leave them around the store.

27. When someone is behind you in a narrow aisle, walk very slowly, humming to yourself.

28. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and pretend to be superman.

29. TP the entire store.

30. Walk up to random strangers and say “I haven’t seen you in so long!” etc.
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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise .
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up put it down.

2. Do not cut your hair. Ever.

3. Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Get rid of your cat.

5. Sunday = Sports.

6. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.

7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

8. You have enough clothes.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank
range. We are bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
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Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel the Shit come out, but there is no Shit in the toilet.

Clean-Get-Away Shit: The kind where you Shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear, so you won’t ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Shit: This happens when you’re done Shiting and you’ve pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Shit some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Brain-Hemmorage-Shit: The kind where you strain so much to get it out,you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Shit: It’s so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Shit: The kind of Shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of Shit that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit: The kind where you want to Shit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit: That’s where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit: The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Shit: It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Shit: You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you’re about to fart, but oops … a shit!!!

The Dangling Shit: This Shit refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Shiting it. You just pray that a shake or two will break it loose.

Crowd Pleaser Shit: This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

Mood Enhancer Shit: This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

Ritual Shit: This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper or other reading materials.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT: A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT: This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE “HONEYMOON’S OVER” SHIT: This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
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