Young Joe bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news… the horse died.”
Joe replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Joe said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Joe said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Joe said, “Yes, I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Joe said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Joe said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Joe now works for the government.

Ha ha ha!

A man is dating 3 women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some
new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him
back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?

> > > > > (click following link to get answer)
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Monday:
It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

Some humor before the markets open!!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market – Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street – Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar – Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures – Jay Leno

9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 – Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
September through May,
You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don’t work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada .

If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada .
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BEFORE MARRIAGE!!!!

John: Ah..At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane: Do you want me to leave?
John: No! dont’ even think about it
Jane: Do you love me?
John: Of Coust! Always did and always will
Jane: Have you ever cheated on me?
John: No!Why are you even asking?
Jane: Will you kiss me?
John: Every chance I get!
Jane: Will you hit me?
John: Hell no! Are you crazy?
Jane: Can I trust you?
John: Yes
Jane: Darling

AFTER MARRIAGE!!!

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Read from the Bottom back to Top

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8 ) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?”

10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off.”

11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding. Read the rest of this entry »

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Read the rest of this entry »

If you receive an email entitled “Fighting Canaries,” delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
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Ninja don’t sweat.

Bullets can’t kill a ninja.

Ninja invented skateboarding

Only a ninja can kill a ninja. Regular humans are useless.

Ninja never wear headbands with the word “ninja” printed on them.

Ninja can breath underwater anytime they want.

Ninja can change clothes in less than 1 second.

Ninja don’t smoke, but they do use smoke bombs.

Ninja always land on their feet. If they don’t have feet they will land on their nubs.

Ninja invented the internet.

Ninja don’t eat or drink very much, and they never have to go to the bathroom.

Ninja always move to America when making a new start as a non-assassin.

Ninja don’t play sports. Unless killing is a sport.

Ninja can crush golfballs with 2 fingers, any two fingers.

Ninja have a bad temper when they lose at anything. They will usually cut off the winners head before they have time to gloat.

Ninja lie all the time. Even when the truth serves better, ninja will lie anyway.

Ninja swords are always straight with a square handle guard. Always. Curves are for girls.

Lack any personality

Wear headbands

Fight skillfully with any object

Can remove a spleen in one swift motion

Live in your house secretly for days

Can remove their shadow if needed

Hurl shurikens

Go anywhere they want instantly
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