One: Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

Two: What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards

Three: Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods’ shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

Four: What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He’d gone clubbing

Five: Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron

Six: Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
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A lawyer, a doctor and a physician are discussing on this topic: “Is it better to have a wife or a mistress ?”

The doctor:” A wife is better than a mistress.When married, you feel comfortable, and you suffer no stress.”

The lawyer: “A mistress is better anyway.If you’re married, in case of divorce, you’ll have to face to several legal problems.”

The Mathematician: “The best solution is to have both.So when your mistress thinks you’re at home with ur wife, while your wife thinks you’re at home with ur mistress, you ‘re free to do maths.
   

What is “pi”?
- Mathematician : “Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.”
- Engineer : “Pi is about 22/7.”
- Physicist : “Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005″
- Computer Programmer : “Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.”
- Nutritionist : “You’re one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!”
  : D 

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
- The physicist : “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
- The biologists : “They have reproduced”.
- The mathematician : “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again.”

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows
very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the
waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and
ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third x cubed.”
She repeats “one thir — dex cue”?
He repeats “one third x cubed”.
She asks, “one thir dex cuebd?”
“Yes, that’s right,” he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “one thir dex cuebd…”.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know
something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first
laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks “what is the integral of x
squared?”.

The waitress says “one third x cubed” and while walking away, turns back and says over her
shoulder “plus a constant!”
   

-In theory, there’s no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, yes there is… Shocked

-Theory is when you know all the process, but nothing works.
-Practice is when everything runs properly, but don’t know why.
-In Computer’s science, when we mix theory and practice, nothing works and we don’t know why..
   

A quantum mechanic student is someone who’s half-blind, and is looking after a cat which probably doesn’t exists in black room
   

Three statisticians engineers are training themselves at gun shotting on a target.The first guy missed the target, the the bullet went very closed by, and hit the target by its left.The second guy missed also the target but the bullet were a little at the right of the target.
The third one shouted then:
-No worth to shot then! We meanly got it!
   
Read the rest of this entry »

*THEY WALK AMONG US . . . . *

*Idiotic ‘Millionaire’ Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever*

*Kathy Evans, the single dumbest contestant to ever get on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’*

NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing ‘the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.’
After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
‘Which of the following is the largest?’
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large? *

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
‘Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,’ said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. ‘I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.’ Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
‘Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!’ exclaimed Evans. ‘Darn. I think I better phone a friend.’

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

‘Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!’ said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. ‘Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds Hun.’
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

‘Come on Betsy, are you sure?’ said Evans. ‘How sure are you? Puh, that can’t be it.’
To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’
‘I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,’ said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
‘Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,’ said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. ‘But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.’

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.’

*This one is actually better!!!*
**Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it.*
Read the rest of this entry »

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: What’s another name for the “Intel Inside” sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium’s floating point divider?
A: “Life is like a box of chocolates…” (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn’t Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of “IEEE”?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

GOOD ONE FOR ALL MARRIED ONES !!!!

U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id”

There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects…

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

“Hello”
“Hello”
“Is that you, Larry?”
“Yes, this is Larry.”
“Are you sure this is Larry.”
“Yes I’m sure, this is Larry !”
“This is Pete… can you lend me twenty dollars ?”
“I’ll tell Larry when he comes in.”
——–
Larry: How much is 500 +500 ?
Lennie: 1000
Larry: You’re welcome !
——–
Harry: I saw a man-eating shark at the aquarium.
Larry: That’s nothing. I saw a man eating shark in the restaurant.
——–
Larry: I went to the doctor because I was seeing spots in front of my eyes. He gave me glasses
Shiela: Did the glasses help?
Larry: They sure did. Now I can see the spots much better.
——–
Larry: I had to bring my typewriter in to be fixed.
Ricky: What was wrong with it?
Larry: The “O” was upside down.
——–
Larry: Could you please call me a cab?
Clerk: OK… “You’re a cab.”
——–
Larry: Have you told that kid of yours not to go around the neighborhood imitating me?
Larry’s Neighbor: Yes, I have. I told him not to act like an idiot.
——–
Salesman : “Believe me, this sewing machine will pay for itself in no time.”
Larry : “That’s great, When it does, send it to me.”
——–
Jane: Do you feel like a cup of coffee ?
Larry: No… do I look like one?
——–
Larry received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. Larry tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He tried everything he could think of, but the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Larry put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Worried that he may have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Larry’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
Larry was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, clearing his throat, “May I ask what the chicken did?” Read the rest of this entry »

Very Timely, In This Day And Age!!!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market – Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street – Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker?      A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar – Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures  – Jay Leno

9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 – Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’.  I  won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday!

What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.

What’s the capital of Iceland?
About £2.50

What’s the difference between a merchant Bank and Katie Price?
Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something!

What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still leave a deposit on a new Ferrari.

The credit crunch helped me get back on my feet.
They repossessed my car!

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped ‘insufficient
funds’. Is it me or them?

You know it’s a credit crunch when….
.the cash point asks if you can spare any change
.there’s a ‘buy one get one free’ offer on banks
the inland revenue is offering a 25% discount for cash payers
.your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than cash

My bank manager said he was going to concentrate on the big issues
He sold me one the other day outside Boots.

An architect and an economist heard talking.. the architect claims God is an architect as he made the world in seven days out of chaos.
The economist smiles and says; and who do you think made the chaos?

What have an Icelandic bank and a streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets.

And the best for last?

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles, ‘you know I could hrow a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very appy’. Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says ‘Well I could throw 5 £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy’. Gordon says Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make en people very happy’. The pilot rolls his eyes and says ‘I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy’.

To: All Employees

Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called ‘Saints’ But now they are called.. ‘Bankers’

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker ‘ s T Shirt:
‘If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off’

3.) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present..   Its just that,
One loves too much, And
the other loves too many,

4.) Employee:
Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5.) Philosophy of life
At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6.) What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7.) Useful
Someone has rightly said, ‘A fool can ask More questions that a Wiseman cannot answer’
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8.) Girl:
Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says ‘To the only boy I ever loved.!’
Girl: That ‘ s good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: ‘ WE do have an…  opening for you..! ‘

Applicant:
What is it?

Interviewer:
Its called the ‘door..!’

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an Bank..
Drive Slowly, Don ‘ t kill our Employee…. . Leave them to us