1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I’m not a complete idiot, Some parts are just missing.

10..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12..God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13..The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14..Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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1. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

2. “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

3. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

4. “Amen”

5. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

6. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

7. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”

8. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

9. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

10. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

HUGS

There’s something in a simple hug
That always warms the heart;
It welcomes us back home
And makes it easier to part.

A hug’s a way to share the joy
And sad times we go through,
Or just a way for friends to say
They like you ’cause you’re you.

Hugs are meant for anyone
For whom we really care,
From your grandma to your neighbor,
Or a cuddly teddy bear.

A hug is an amazing thing-
It’s just the perfect way
To show the love we’re feeling
But can’t find the words to say.

It’s funny how a little hug
Makes everyone feel good;
In every place and language,
It’s always understood.

And hugs don’t need new equipment,
Special batteries or special parts -
Just open up your arms
And open up your hearts!

(Author Unknown)

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These are “supposedly” Actual Doctors’ Notes On Patient’s Charts:

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
* On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused an autopsy.
* The patient has no past history of suicides.
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Too Far Up!)
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You can have back pain, or you can stop it. The best way to make sure your back pain stays with you is to assume that only a doctor can stop it. The best way to make sure you have no back pain is to understand that only you can stop it.

Why Choose Back Massagers?

Getting a good body massage from a professional takes time and a lot of money. Who has the money to spend on expensive massages at spas or gyms? Not to mention the travel time for those appointments. A portable back massager is easy, inexpensive, and can be used anytime in the comfort of your home.

Bad Position Can Lead to Back Pain

Posture is on of the things that most people neglect checking whether they are sitting, walking or by just mere standing. The posture has been said to be the window of a person and the way he carries himself could determine if there is a problem with a person’s spine or nervous system.

The family meeting

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad:  People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone.  I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum:  Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid:  So what is the problem?  We all use our work telephones.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather
that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made
her daily trip to school.
 
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with
thunder and lightning.The mother of the little girl felt
concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked
home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm
might harm her child.
 
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword
would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly
got in her car and drove along the route to her child’s school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each
flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
 
Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little
girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called
over to her child and asked, “What are you doing?”
 
The child answered, “Smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me.”
 
 .. Is that what lightning is all about ..A photo session!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signs Found in the Kitchen

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
 
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
 
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
 
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
 
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
 
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen
and gone on to lead normal lives.
 
I take back my words ….

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

“IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN”…
I didn’t look up the original reference.

“A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT”…
These data are practically meaningless.

“WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS”…
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

“THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY”…
The other results didn’t make any sense.

“TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN”…
This is the prettiest graph.

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