I’m not anti-social. I’m just not user friendly.

Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?
O2.zip

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI …

Ive just loaded COLIN MCRAE HELICOPTER SIMULATOR on to my PC … but it keeps crashing …’

A computer technician says “Why even have a 3-chip Hi-Def camcorder if you can’t calibrate the white balance”!!!!!!!

- How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

A system administrator has 2 problems:
- dumb users
- smart users

How do you tell if a blonde is using a computer?
Their’s liquid paper all over the screen!

“Knock, knock.Who’s there?”
very long pause…
“Java.”

What’s the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?
The used-car salesman KNOWS when he’s lying.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “Great” he said,
“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

You should be  alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment  entitled

‘POSTCARD FROM BEJING’,

regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens A  POSTCARD IMAGE,

which ‘burns’ the whole hard disc C of your computer. This  virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her  contact list. This is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all  your contacts.. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to  receive the virus and open it.

If you receive a mail called ‘POSTCARD FROM BEJING,’ even though sent to you by a friend, do not open it! Shut down your computer  immediately.

This is the worst virus  announced by CNN.

It has been classified by Microsoft as the most  destructive virus ever. This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and  there is no repair yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys  the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept.

Some good ones to play on friends or create havoc for enemies.

Warning: Your friends may become enemies after pulling some of these on them!

1. The Restart Remap
We start with one sure to throw off even the most advanced Windows user. Setup is simple and you need only a few seconds alone on someone’s computer. When you get a chance, sneak over and right-click your pal’s icon to Internet Explorer or some other commonly used program. Edit the properties and change the target to: “%windir%\system32\shutdown.exe -r -t 00″. Now, every time your buddy tries to run IE, his machine will mysteriously restart — and your laughter will instantly result.

2. Startup Folder Fun
While we’re on the topic of system startups, the Windows Startup folder is a fantastic place for fun. Create a text file with an amusing message and throw it in there so your cubicle mate will get a daily greeting — or, if you really want to get evil, add in the restart shortcut from above (not recommended unless you just want to get your ass kicked).

3. Disappearing Desktop
A classic computer prank never goes out of style. The desktop image trick has been around for a bit, but rest assured: There are plenty of unsuspecting victims still to be found. Just head over to an unattended computer, minimize all the windows, and hit the Print Screen key. Paste the captured image into any graphic editing program — even Microsoft Paint will do — then save the file and set it as the desktop background. Then, all you have to do is hide the actual icons on the desktop — put them in a folder somewhere — and your victim will try endlessly to click the nonexistent icons, which are actually just part of the background image. For another variation, leave one program open when you capture the screen and watch as the person tries to click on it, type in it, and close it to no avail.

4. Auto-Insult
There are few things funnier than forcing a friend to insult himself — and Microsoft has made it easy to do just that. Take a moment to edit the Autocorrect feature in your colleague’s MS Word or Outlook (it’s in the Tools menu in both programs). Add a new entry to replace their name with “d.ouche,” and watch how much more interesting all their emails and documents will suddenly become. A little creativity can take this one in plenty of different and equally entertaining directions.

5. Serius Buisness
While you’re in the MS Word or Outlook settings, another good place to tamper is the dictionary. Replace a few correct words with common misspellings just for giggles. Just be sure to let this one play out and get resolved before your co-worker sends any official memos to the entire corporation.

PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI: System Can’t See It

DOS: Defective Operating System

BASIC: Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM: Consumer Device – Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

In case your keyboard or some keys stop working, Microsoft provides you with an alternative way to type-in using the mouse.
To work this tool,

Go to: ‘Start menu’
Select: ‘Run’
Type in: ‘OSK’
Press: ‘OK’

A keyboard will be displayed on your monitor which you can use with your mouse.

JUST TRY IT YOURSELF

Do you know the hidden Microsoft song? I hear this song while im installing windows, where its almost at the end where have to register your windows,  enter your username…….etc.

Some people might not hear it because, your sound card driver isn’t installed. If you want to know and hear that song, here it:

Go to
Start > Run > Copy and then Paste, or press and hold the Start + r .

C:\windows\system32\oobe\images\title.wma

and hit Enter, of course … Your media player should load the song, and now you can hear it.

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months.
Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
He said, “That would be better for me.”
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

By no means is tech support immune to exhibiting computer stupidity of their own.

* Customer: “Hi, I can’t seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?”
* Tech Support: “Well sir, what dialup software are you using?”
* Customer: “The one you provided.”
* Tech Support: “And what version is it?”
* Customer: (says the version number)
* Tech Support: “Oh, that’s the problem you need the latest version.”
* Customer: “Ok, how do I get it?”
* Tech Support: “Well, just transfer the file via FTP.”
* Customer: “Well that would be nice, but I can’t connect to the Internet.”
* Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) “I told you just to FTP the file sir.”
/******************************************/

I had trouble downloading an operating system upgrade for a PDA, so I called tech support.

* Me: “I can’t seem to get this download to complete. What might be causing it?”
* Tech Support: “What operating system are you running?”
* Me: “Windows NT.”
* Tech Support: “Well, you have to be running Windows 98 or better in order to download it.”
* Me: “Ummm, I am. I’m running Windows NT4, SP5.”
* Tech Support: “Are you on a PC or a MAC?”
/******************************************/

Back when high-speed internet was first getting started, my parents wanted to hop on the bandwagon right away and called a technician to come set them up. At the time I was in junior high school and couldn’t be there when the tech showed up.

It is important to note that although we were quick in getting high-speed Internet, we didn’t have a particularly state-of-the-art machine. It didn’t have a cdrom drive, for example, but I assumed the tech would be installing the software from a floppy.

Imagine my horror when I came home and found my mother trying to dig the CD out of our ancient 5 1/4″ drive with a key, while the “tech” stood behind her, scratching his head and saying, “I’ve seriously never seen one of those before. Are you SURE it’s not a cdrom drive?”
/******************************************/

I called up tech support because Internet Explorer insisted on opening everything I was trying to download with Quicktime.

* Customer: “Internet Explorer insists on opening everything I try to download with Quicktime.”
* Tech Support: “Ok.”
* Customer: “So whenever I click on anything that I want to download it tries to open it with Quicktime.”
* Tech Support: “Are you sure that its not a Quicktime file?”
* Customer: “No it’s an exe file.”
* Tech Support: “So it’s not a Quicktime file?”
* Customer: “No, and I can’t right click either, to do a Save Target As.”
* Tech Support: “Oh, but you’re sure it’s not a Quicktime file, right?”
* Customer: “Yes, it is an executable file, DOT E X E, not DOT M O V.”
* Tech Support: “Is it a .exe that can be opened in Quicktime?”

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

.1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

.2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

.3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little signs of breaking down in the near future.

.4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

.5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

.6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

.7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

.8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

.9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you have accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you are eating.

And the pick of the lot:

17. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an ass.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95′ or ‘CarNT.’ Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that’s powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car fault’ warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ‘Start’ button to shut off the engine.