At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next tome is under a window, and his is working fine.”

Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?” I work for a local ISP.
Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”

Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh… uh…yeah. ”

Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and
I don’t believe in icons.”

Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to –”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ OK?”
Customer: [click]

Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt- Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

Some good ones to play on friends or create havoc for enemies.

Warning: Your friends may become enemies after pulling some of these on them!

1. The Restart Remap
We start with one sure to throw off even the most advanced Windows user. Setup is simple and you need only a few seconds alone on someone’s computer. When you get a chance, sneak over and right-click your pal’s icon to Internet Explorer or some other commonly used program. Edit the properties and change the target to: “%windir%\system32\shutdown.exe -r -t 00″. Now, every time your buddy tries to run IE, his machine will mysteriously restart — and your laughter will instantly result.

2. Startup Folder Fun
While we’re on the topic of system startups, the Windows Startup folder is a fantastic place for fun. Create a text file with an amusing message and throw it in there so your cubicle mate will get a daily greeting — or, if you really want to get evil, add in the restart shortcut from above (not recommended unless you just want to get your ass kicked).

3. Disappearing Desktop
A classic computer prank never goes out of style. The desktop image trick has been around for a bit, but rest assured: There are plenty of unsuspecting victims still to be found. Just head over to an unattended computer, minimize all the windows, and hit the Print Screen key. Paste the captured image into any graphic editing program — even Microsoft Paint will do — then save the file and set it as the desktop background. Then, all you have to do is hide the actual icons on the desktop — put them in a folder somewhere — and your victim will try endlessly to click the nonexistent icons, which are actually just part of the background image. For another variation, leave one program open when you capture the screen and watch as the person tries to click on it, type in it, and close it to no avail.

4. Auto-Insult
There are few things funnier than forcing a friend to insult himself — and Microsoft has made it easy to do just that. Take a moment to edit the Autocorrect feature in your colleague’s MS Word or Outlook (it’s in the Tools menu in both programs). Add a new entry to replace their name with “d.ouche,” and watch how much more interesting all their emails and documents will suddenly become. A little creativity can take this one in plenty of different and equally entertaining directions.

5. Serius Buisness
While you’re in the MS Word or Outlook settings, another good place to tamper is the dictionary. Replace a few correct words with common misspellings just for giggles. Just be sure to let this one play out and get resolved before your co-worker sends any official memos to the entire corporation.

Do you know the hidden Microsoft song? I hear this song while im installing windows, where its almost at the end where have to register your windows,  enter your username…….etc.

Some people might not hear it because, your sound card driver isn’t installed. If you want to know and hear that song, here it:

Go to
Start > Run > Copy and then Paste, or press and hold the Start + r .

C:\windows\system32\oobe\images\title.wma

and hit Enter, of course … Your media player should load the song, and now you can hear it.

By no means is tech support immune to exhibiting computer stupidity of their own.

* Customer: “Hi, I can’t seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?”
* Tech Support: “Well sir, what dialup software are you using?”
* Customer: “The one you provided.”
* Tech Support: “And what version is it?”
* Customer: (says the version number)
* Tech Support: “Oh, that’s the problem you need the latest version.”
* Customer: “Ok, how do I get it?”
* Tech Support: “Well, just transfer the file via FTP.”
* Customer: “Well that would be nice, but I can’t connect to the Internet.”
* Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) “I told you just to FTP the file sir.”
/******************************************/

I had trouble downloading an operating system upgrade for a PDA, so I called tech support.

* Me: “I can’t seem to get this download to complete. What might be causing it?”
* Tech Support: “What operating system are you running?”
* Me: “Windows NT.”
* Tech Support: “Well, you have to be running Windows 98 or better in order to download it.”
* Me: “Ummm, I am. I’m running Windows NT4, SP5.”
* Tech Support: “Are you on a PC or a MAC?”
/******************************************/

Back when high-speed internet was first getting started, my parents wanted to hop on the bandwagon right away and called a technician to come set them up. At the time I was in junior high school and couldn’t be there when the tech showed up.

It is important to note that although we were quick in getting high-speed Internet, we didn’t have a particularly state-of-the-art machine. It didn’t have a cdrom drive, for example, but I assumed the tech would be installing the software from a floppy.

Imagine my horror when I came home and found my mother trying to dig the CD out of our ancient 5 1/4″ drive with a key, while the “tech” stood behind her, scratching his head and saying, “I’ve seriously never seen one of those before. Are you SURE it’s not a cdrom drive?”
/******************************************/

I called up tech support because Internet Explorer insisted on opening everything I was trying to download with Quicktime.

* Customer: “Internet Explorer insists on opening everything I try to download with Quicktime.”
* Tech Support: “Ok.”
* Customer: “So whenever I click on anything that I want to download it tries to open it with Quicktime.”
* Tech Support: “Are you sure that its not a Quicktime file?”
* Customer: “No it’s an exe file.”
* Tech Support: “So it’s not a Quicktime file?”
* Customer: “No, and I can’t right click either, to do a Save Target As.”
* Tech Support: “Oh, but you’re sure it’s not a Quicktime file, right?”
* Customer: “Yes, it is an executable file, DOT E X E, not DOT M O V.”
* Tech Support: “Is it a .exe that can be opened in Quicktime?”

Follow these tips and you will definitely have a much faster and more reliable PC! Most of the below tips works for windows XP

1. Wallpapers: They slow your whole system down, so if you’re willing to compromise, have a basic plain one instead!

2. Drivers: Update your hardware drivers as frequently as possible.  New drivers tend to increase system speed especially in the case of graphics cards, their drivers are updated by the manufacturer very frequently!

3. Minimizing: If you want to use several programs at the same time then minimize those you are not using.  This helps reduce the overload on RAM.

4. Boot Faster: The ’starting Windows 95/98′ message on startup can delay your booting for a couple of seconds.  To get rid of this message go to c:\ and find the file Msdos.sys.  Remove the Read-Only option.  Next, open it in Notepad or any other text editor.  Finally, go to the text ‘Options’ within the file and make the following changes: Add BootDelay=0.  To make your booting even faster, set add Logo=0 to remove the Windows logo at startup.

5. Restart only Windows: When restarting your PC, hold down Shift to only restart Windows rather than the whole system which will only take a fraction of the time.

6. Turn Off Animations:  Go to Display Settings from the Control Panel and switch to the Effects Tab. Now turn off Show Windows Content While Dragging and Smooth Edges on Screen Fonts.  This tip is also helpful with Windows XP because of the various fade/scroll effects.

7. Faster Start-Menu Access: Go to the Start menu and select Run.  Now type Regedit and hit Enter.  The Registry Editor will appear on the screen.  Now, open the folder HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Control Panel\Desktop.  You should see a MenuShowDelay value.  If you don’t then do the following: right click on a blank space in the right pane and select New\String.  Change the name in the new value to MenuShowDelay.  Now that we have the MenuShowDelay value, double click on it and enter 0 in the value data field.  This sets the start menu delay to 0 milliseconds.

8. Resolutions: If you are willing to do anything for faster performance from your PC, then try lowering your display resolution.  The lower it is, the faster your PC.

9. Turn off Active Desktop:  Go to your Display Properties and switch to the Web tab.  Uncheck View My Active Desktop As a Web Page.  Since the Active Desktop option under Windows 98 uses a lot of system resources, this option can have a dramatic effect on the speed of the whole system.

10. Defragment Often:  Windows 98’s Defrag tool uses Application Acceleration from Intel which means that when you defragment your drive, data is physically arranged on the drive so that applications will load faster.

11. Take your PC to Bed:  Using the Advanced Power Management feature under Windows 98 gives you the option to use the sleep command.  That way, you can send your PC to sleep instead of shutting it down and then restarting it.  It’s as simple as pressing a button and then pressing the same button to wake it up.  You can tell Windows after how many minutes/hours of inactivity to automatically sleep the machine in the Advanced Power Management section of the Control Panel.

12. Faster Internet Access: If you use the internet for reference and the sites you visit are rarely  updated then try the following.  In IE (the same can be done in Netscape) go to Tools, Internet Options.  Next, click on Settings… in the Temporary Internet Files  section.  Finally, select Never for the first option and double the amount of storage space to use, click OK!

13. Benchmarking: Benchmarking can be very useful when run frequently.  It can tell you how your PC’s components are performing and then compare them to other machines like yours.  For example, when you overclock your PC, you want to know how much more speed you have and whether it is stable.  All this and more can be discovered using benchmarking.  An excellent piece of software for doing this job is SiSoft Sandra which can be found in the Downloads File Archive!

14. Refresh the Taskbar without restarting: If you in some way change the taskbar, either in Regedit or elsewhere, you can refresh the task bar without restarting.  Hold down Ctrl Alt Del, and double click on Explorer.  Say Yes to close Explorer, but no to closing Windows.  This will refresh the Taskbar and system tray.

15. Quick CD Eject: Instead of pushing the button on your drive, right-click your CD drive letter in My Computer and click on Eject.  This will also remove any icons that have become associated with the CD drive.

16. Start Up Programs:  Windows can be slowed down when programs run on start up.  To eliminate this, check your Start up folder.  You can access it from the start menu: Start, Programs, Start Up.  Another way to eliminate programs from loading even before Windows actually starts is by doing the following: Click on Start, then Run.  Type msconfig.  It will take quite a long time for this program to load, but when you finally see it on your screen, explore the different tabs.  They all have to do with how quickly your PC boots, so select what you want, and uncheck what you don’t want!

17. Fonts: When Windows starts, it loads every single font in the Fonts folder.  Therefore, the more fonts you have, the slower the booting process.  To get rid of unwanted fonts, simply go to the Fonts folder under c:\windows and remove whatever you don’t want.  Fonts that have a red letter ‘A’ as their icon are system fonts, so don’t delete them.

18. Stretching Wallpapers:  Don’t “stretch” your wallpaper in Windows 98 since it actually slows Windows down when you drag icons around on the desktop.

19. RAM Matters: If you have less than 32MB then you should seriously think of upgrading it to at least 64MB.  Windows runs much more smoothly with 64MB or higher and tends to use less hard disk space for virtual memory.

20. Partitioning: A very nice little thing you can do to boost system performance.  By partitioning your hard drive, splitting one physical drive into several logical ones, you can gain several advantages.  1. If you get a virus or you accidentally format a drive, not all will be lost.  2. By placing the swap file (Win386.swp) on a separate drive, The swap file will be less fragmented and thus, faster. 3. Place Windows on a separate drive and whenever you need to reinstall it, you rest assured that your data is safe on a separate drive.  Partitioning can be done using a few programs such as FDisk which comes with DOS.  However, FDisk formats everything on the hard disk before partitioning. Alternatively, you can use Partition Magic fromPower Quest to partition your hard disk without losing your data.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly  okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk  okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. It’s a bug.