Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

What you call dog with no legs? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered… where the hell’s my ceiling!

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

When God made me he was just showin off !

If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?

I want you here but now that you’re there .. Take care

R ur legs tired, bcoz u’ve been runnin through my mind all day long.

Do u have a bandaid ? Bcoz i just scraped my knee falling for u.

There must be somethin wrong with my eyes i cant take them off u.

Girl, u better have a license coz u r drivin me crazy.

If u need space, join NASA.

Your village just called, they are missing their idiot!