Women have strengths that amaze men..
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
But they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They love unconditionally.
They are happy when they hear about
A birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they
Think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
Can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
Makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
Family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
And everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

1. If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.

2. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum
loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit
the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly,
resetting the clocks in the house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on
the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

3. My stigmata’s acting up.

4. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

5. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet…

6. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.

7. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, can I help you? No,
no, I’ll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling.

8. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

9. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

10. The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

11. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
Now I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

12. The dog ate my car keys. Now we’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. I’d prefer to remain an enigma.
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