The Fired/Laid-Off Worker – This type is only interested in one thing: revenge. He wants to pay back his boss or another co-worker by wreaking havoc in the company’s computer.

The Messed-Up Kamikaze Dumbass – This persona is quite rare, he will write a malicious virus and then unleash it on his own computer! Then he will sit back and laugh as his computer gets trashed.

The Do-Gooder – This virus writer also belongs to the “dumbass” branch of virus writers. What he does is write a virus, then call McAfee or Norton and tell them about his virus and how to block it, so everybody will be safe from it.

The Prankster - A mostly harmless virus writer here, just makes fake viruses, that don’t do anything, just pretend to erase your hard disk. Or the virus could be something annoying like flipping your mouse keys, opening the cd drive, or restarting the computer every 5 minutes.

The 100% Pure Evil Virus Writer – This is the most feared virus writer of all. If you run across this virus overlord, you might as well go back to a piece of paper and forget about your computer. No virus protection program can save you now, AHAHAHA! This is the virus writer that you heard about on the news last night, yeah you know, the one that knocked out the CIA mainframe.

You should be  alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment  entitled

‘POSTCARD FROM BEJING’,

regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens A  POSTCARD IMAGE,

which ‘burns’ the whole hard disc C of your computer. This  virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her  contact list. This is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all  your contacts.. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to  receive the virus and open it.

If you receive a mail called ‘POSTCARD FROM BEJING,’ even though sent to you by a friend, do not open it! Shut down your computer  immediately.

This is the worst virus  announced by CNN.

It has been classified by Microsoft as the most  destructive virus ever. This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and  there is no repair yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys  the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept.

1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don’t take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don’t need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don’t have major bugs.

5. Viruses don’t have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don’t leak info to the press about the upcoming Chicago 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren’t on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32…

9. Viruses install themselves !

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
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If you receive an email entitled “Fighting Canaries,” delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
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No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly  okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk  okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. It’s a bug.